champion123
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- Oct 18, 2013
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Q: Why couldn't the blonde add 10 and seven on a calculator?
A: She couldn't find the 10 key.
A: She couldn't find the 10 key.
A joke
- Thread starter champion123
- Start date
Help Support Ontario Fishing Forums:
FisherGirl
Steel Bunny
Thats the stupidest joke I've ever read.
rich_ace_G
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- Jun 26, 2012
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- 2,705
Let's do this again...
A doctor, lawyer and engineer are all about to be executed in the electric chair for various crimes.
The doctor walks in, they attach all of the electrodes and equipment to him and throw the switch. Nothing happens. No current, no nothing.
So they try the lawyer. They hook-up all the wires and stuff to him and throw the switch. Again nothing happens.
So they try the engineer. As the hook up the wires he remarks "No wonder it's not working. You've short circuited the connection at that junction point. Here, let me fix it."
A doctor, lawyer and engineer are all about to be executed in the electric chair for various crimes.
The doctor walks in, they attach all of the electrodes and equipment to him and throw the switch. Nothing happens. No current, no nothing.
So they try the lawyer. They hook-up all the wires and stuff to him and throw the switch. Again nothing happens.
So they try the engineer. As the hook up the wires he remarks "No wonder it's not working. You've short circuited the connection at that junction point. Here, let me fix it."
rich_ace_G
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- Jun 26, 2012
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An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."
rich_ace_G
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- Jun 26, 2012
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- 2,705
A woman walks into her accountant's office and tells him that she needs to File her taxes. The accountant says: "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you A few questions." He gets her name, address, socia l security number, Etc, and then asks, "What is your occupation?"
"I'm a whore," she says.
The accountant balks and says, "No, No, No, that won't work; too gross. Let's try to rephrase that."
The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl."
"Sorry, that is still too crude. Try again."
They both think for a minute, then the woman says, "How about "Elite Chicken farmer"?
Stunned, the accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with Being a high-end call girl?"
"Well, I raised over a thousand little peckers last year."
"Good enough!"
"I'm a whore," she says.
The accountant balks and says, "No, No, No, that won't work; too gross. Let's try to rephrase that."
The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl."
"Sorry, that is still too crude. Try again."
They both think for a minute, then the woman says, "How about "Elite Chicken farmer"?
Stunned, the accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with Being a high-end call girl?"
"Well, I raised over a thousand little peckers last year."
"Good enough!"
W_boughner
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- Oct 26, 2012
- Messages
- 647
A worker named bob at a factory is on lunch break. He is at a table in the cafeteria when his supervisor named john walked in .. As John walked in bob pushed a bowl of chilly away from him and john a big fan of chilly walked ip and asked "do you mind?" As bob nodded and john sat down and started eating the almost full bowl of chilly.. As he's nearing the bottom of the bowl still inhaling the chilly spoonful after spoonful he finally got to the last inch or so and to his surprise he scooped up a dead mouse !!! He was discussed and turned there shades of green before puking it all right back in the bowl!! After a couple seconds Bob turns to him and says "yup that's about as far as I got too"
rich_ace_G
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Dead Parrot
At dawn the telephone rings. "Hello, Senor Rod?
This is Ernesto the
>>caretaker at your country house."
>> >
>> > "Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there
a problem?"
>> >
>> > Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod,
that your parrot
died.
>> >
>> > "My parrot? Dead? The one that won the
International competition?"
>> >
>> > "Si, Senor, that's the one."
>> >
>> > "Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on
that bird." "What
did
>>he
>>die from?"
>> >
>> > "From eating rotten meat, Senor Rod"
>> >
>> > "Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"
>> >
>> > "Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead
horse."
>> >
>> > "Dead horse? What dead horse?"
>> >
>> > "The thoroughbred, Senor Rod."
>> >
>> > "My prize thorougbred is dead?"
>> >
>> > "Si Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling
the water cart."
>> >
>> > "Are you insane? What water cart?"
>> >
>> > "The one we used to put out the fire, Senor"
>> >
>> > "Good Lord! What fire are you talking about,
man?"
>> >
>> > "The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and
the curtains
caught on
>>fire."
>> >
>> > "What the hell??....Are you saying that my
mansion is destroyed
because
>>of
>>a candle??!!!
>> >
>> > "Si Senor Rod."
>> >
>> > "But there's electricity at the house!!! What was
the candle for?"
>> >
>> > "For the funeral, Senor Rod."
>> >
>> > WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL?
>> >
>> > "Your wife's, Senor Rod..She showed up one night
out of the blue
and I
>>thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new
Tiger Woods Nike
>>Driver."
>> >
>> > SILENCE................... , LONG SILENCE...
>> >
>> > "Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in
deep shit!"
At dawn the telephone rings. "Hello, Senor Rod?
This is Ernesto the
>>caretaker at your country house."
>> >
>> > "Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there
a problem?"
>> >
>> > Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod,
that your parrot
died.
>> >
>> > "My parrot? Dead? The one that won the
International competition?"
>> >
>> > "Si, Senor, that's the one."
>> >
>> > "Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on
that bird." "What
did
>>he
>>die from?"
>> >
>> > "From eating rotten meat, Senor Rod"
>> >
>> > "Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"
>> >
>> > "Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead
horse."
>> >
>> > "Dead horse? What dead horse?"
>> >
>> > "The thoroughbred, Senor Rod."
>> >
>> > "My prize thorougbred is dead?"
>> >
>> > "Si Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling
the water cart."
>> >
>> > "Are you insane? What water cart?"
>> >
>> > "The one we used to put out the fire, Senor"
>> >
>> > "Good Lord! What fire are you talking about,
man?"
>> >
>> > "The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and
the curtains
caught on
>>fire."
>> >
>> > "What the hell??....Are you saying that my
mansion is destroyed
because
>>of
>>a candle??!!!
>> >
>> > "Si Senor Rod."
>> >
>> > "But there's electricity at the house!!! What was
the candle for?"
>> >
>> > "For the funeral, Senor Rod."
>> >
>> > WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL?
>> >
>> > "Your wife's, Senor Rod..She showed up one night
out of the blue
and I
>>thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new
Tiger Woods Nike
>>Driver."
>> >
>> > SILENCE................... , LONG SILENCE...
>> >
>> > "Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in
deep shit!"
rich_ace_G
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- Jun 26, 2012
- Messages
- 2,705
Arthur Davidson, the inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."
Arthur thought about it for a minute, then said, "I want to hang out with God."
St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room and introduced him to God.
God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley Davidson
motorcycle?"
Arthur said, "Yep, that's me."
God said, "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?"
Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally he said, "Excuse me, but aren't You the inventor of woman?"
God said, "Yes."
"Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention:
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusions;
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds;
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much;
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust;
5. And the maintenance costs are enormous!"
"Hmmmmm, you have some good points there," replied God, "hold on."
God went to His Celestial super computer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.
"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours."
Arthur thought about it for a minute, then said, "I want to hang out with God."
St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room and introduced him to God.
God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley Davidson
motorcycle?"
Arthur said, "Yep, that's me."
God said, "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?"
Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally he said, "Excuse me, but aren't You the inventor of woman?"
God said, "Yes."
"Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention:
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusions;
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds;
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much;
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust;
5. And the maintenance costs are enormous!"
"Hmmmmm, you have some good points there," replied God, "hold on."
God went to His Celestial super computer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.
"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours."
manasmdesign
Well-Known Member
What is the difference between a fish and a piano?
You can't tuna fish.
You can't tuna fish.
rich_ace_G
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- Joined
- Jun 26, 2012
- Messages
- 2,705
Bob and Susan and Bill and Heather were best friends. But from time to time the lovely ladies liked to head out on the town for a much deserved girls' night out. Early one Sunday morning the girls found themselves a little worse for wear as they staggered homeward. As they passed the town cemetery they were both hearing nature's urgent call. "Let's just go behind that big tombstone," Sue suggested, and so they did. After they relieved themselves in the cold graveyard, the two women realized they had nothing to clean themselves up with. "I've got it", said Sue, "I'm going to use my panties." So she did and, after patting herself dry, she tossed the soiled undies away. Heather, on the other hand, rummaged around in the dark and came up with a nice velvet ribbon from a nearby wreath. Thinking it would be softer on her delicate parts, she used the ribbon to clean up, then wriggled back into her jeans. The two girls managed to make it back to their homes, where they tried to make their way to bed without waking their hubbies.
In the morning, Bob and Bill met over their shared fence. "I dunno, Bill," said Bob. "I think we've got to put a stop to these girls' party nights. They're getting way out of hand. Why last night I woke up when Sue stumbled in. When she undressed she wasn't wearing her panties any more!"
"Don't tell me your problems," responded his friend. "When Heather took her pants off she had this card stuck in her ass. It said, 'From all the guys at Station 49. We'll never forget you.'"
In the morning, Bob and Bill met over their shared fence. "I dunno, Bill," said Bob. "I think we've got to put a stop to these girls' party nights. They're getting way out of hand. Why last night I woke up when Sue stumbled in. When she undressed she wasn't wearing her panties any more!"
"Don't tell me your problems," responded his friend. "When Heather took her pants off she had this card stuck in her ass. It said, 'From all the guys at Station 49. We'll never forget you.'"
ray6591
Well-Known Member
Parachutes
[SIZE=10pt]A plane was about to crash with 5 people on board and only 4 parachutes.
The first person said, ' I'm Roy Keane, one of the best footballers in Ireland. I'm worth a lot of money and my fans need me so I think I should be saved.' The others agreed and gave him one of the parachutes and off he went. [/SIZE]
[SIZE=10pt]The second person said,'I'm Tony Blair, a dynamic English politician who can really help my country so I think I should be saved.' The others agreed and gave him a parachute. [/SIZE]
[SIZE=10pt]The third person said, 'I'm David Beckham, captain of the English National squad. I have a wife and son and a newborn baby. Everyone knows I'm a really nice guy and everyone thinks I'm stupid, but I'm not, so I'm taking a parachute.' and off he went. [/SIZE]
[SIZE=10pt]There were two people left, the Pope and a 10 year old schoolgirl.
The Pope said, 'Child I am old and frail and have lived my life while you are young with everything before you. You take the parachute and I will stay with the aircraft and take my chance.' [/SIZE]
[SIZE=10pt]'It's OK,' said the girl, 'there are still two parachutes. David Beckham picked up my schoolbag.' [/SIZE]
[SIZE=10pt]A plane was about to crash with 5 people on board and only 4 parachutes.
The first person said, ' I'm Roy Keane, one of the best footballers in Ireland. I'm worth a lot of money and my fans need me so I think I should be saved.' The others agreed and gave him one of the parachutes and off he went. [/SIZE]
[SIZE=10pt]The second person said,'I'm Tony Blair, a dynamic English politician who can really help my country so I think I should be saved.' The others agreed and gave him a parachute. [/SIZE]
[SIZE=10pt]The third person said, 'I'm David Beckham, captain of the English National squad. I have a wife and son and a newborn baby. Everyone knows I'm a really nice guy and everyone thinks I'm stupid, but I'm not, so I'm taking a parachute.' and off he went. [/SIZE]
[SIZE=10pt]There were two people left, the Pope and a 10 year old schoolgirl.
The Pope said, 'Child I am old and frail and have lived my life while you are young with everything before you. You take the parachute and I will stay with the aircraft and take my chance.' [/SIZE]
[SIZE=10pt]'It's OK,' said the girl, 'there are still two parachutes. David Beckham picked up my schoolbag.' [/SIZE]
ray6591
Well-Known Member
Bill Gates Dies In A Car Accident.
[SIZE=10pt]He finds himself in purgatory, being sized up by St. Peter. [/SIZE]
[SIZE=10pt]'Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call; I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows '95. I'm going to do something I've never done before in your case; I'm going to let you decide where you want to go.' [/SIZE]
[SIZE=10pt]Bill replied, 'Well, what's the difference between the two?' [/SIZE]
[SIZE=10pt]St. Peter said, 'I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, if it will help your decision.' [/SIZE]
[SIZE=10pt]'Fine, but where should I go first?' [/SIZE]
[SIZE=10pt]'I'll leave that up to you.' [/SIZE]
[SIZE=10pt]'Okay then,' said Bill, 'Let's try Hell first.' [/SIZE]
[SIZE=10pt]So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of bikini-clad women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining; the temperature perfect. He was very pleased. [/SIZE]
[SIZE=10pt]'This is great!' he told St. Peter. 'If this is hell, I REALLY want to see heaven!' [/SIZE]
[SIZE=10pt]'Fine,' said St. Peter, and off they went. [/SIZE]
[SIZE=10pt]Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell.
Bill thought for a quick minute, and rendered his decision. [/SIZE]
[SIZE=10pt]'Hmmm. I think I'd prefer Hell,' he told St. Peter. [/SIZE]
[SIZE=10pt]'Fine,' retorted St. Peter, 'as you desire.' [/SIZE]
[SIZE=10pt]So Bill Gates went to Hell. [/SIZE]
[SIZE=10pt]Two weeks later, St. Peter decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a wall, screaming amongst hot flames in dark caves, being burned and tortured by demons. [/SIZE]
[SIZE=10pt]'How's everything going?' he asked Bill. [/SIZE]
[SIZE=10pt]Bill responded, his voice filled with anguish and disappointment, 'This is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! I can't believe this is happening! What happened to that other place, with the beautiful beaches, the scantily-clad women playing in the water?!???' [/SIZE]
[SIZE=10pt]'That was a demo,' replied St. Peter.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=10pt]He finds himself in purgatory, being sized up by St. Peter. [/SIZE]
[SIZE=10pt]'Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call; I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows '95. I'm going to do something I've never done before in your case; I'm going to let you decide where you want to go.' [/SIZE]
[SIZE=10pt]Bill replied, 'Well, what's the difference between the two?' [/SIZE]
[SIZE=10pt]St. Peter said, 'I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, if it will help your decision.' [/SIZE]
[SIZE=10pt]'Fine, but where should I go first?' [/SIZE]
[SIZE=10pt]'I'll leave that up to you.' [/SIZE]
[SIZE=10pt]'Okay then,' said Bill, 'Let's try Hell first.' [/SIZE]
[SIZE=10pt]So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of bikini-clad women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining; the temperature perfect. He was very pleased. [/SIZE]
[SIZE=10pt]'This is great!' he told St. Peter. 'If this is hell, I REALLY want to see heaven!' [/SIZE]
[SIZE=10pt]'Fine,' said St. Peter, and off they went. [/SIZE]
[SIZE=10pt]Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell.
Bill thought for a quick minute, and rendered his decision. [/SIZE]
[SIZE=10pt]'Hmmm. I think I'd prefer Hell,' he told St. Peter. [/SIZE]
[SIZE=10pt]'Fine,' retorted St. Peter, 'as you desire.' [/SIZE]
[SIZE=10pt]So Bill Gates went to Hell. [/SIZE]
[SIZE=10pt]Two weeks later, St. Peter decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a wall, screaming amongst hot flames in dark caves, being burned and tortured by demons. [/SIZE]
[SIZE=10pt]'How's everything going?' he asked Bill. [/SIZE]
[SIZE=10pt]Bill responded, his voice filled with anguish and disappointment, 'This is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! I can't believe this is happening! What happened to that other place, with the beautiful beaches, the scantily-clad women playing in the water?!???' [/SIZE]
[SIZE=10pt]'That was a demo,' replied St. Peter.[/SIZE]
Kleiner
Well-Known Member
Q: What's the difference between a hoover vacuum cleaner and a Harley?
A: Where the dirtbag sits
:lol:
A: Where the dirtbag sits
:lol:
BASSMASTER19
Well-Known Member
hehe i got me some party jokes now
2 guys are in a bar at night, on the tv it says breaking news man on top of building threatening to jump, bob asks david if the man is gonna jump. bob says no, david says yes lets put 50 bucks on it. a couple of minutes later the man jumps, bob gives david the 50 bucks, feeling bad david said "i cant take this from you, this was on the 6 o clock news and i knew the guy was going to jump" bob replies with " yes i saw the 6 o clock news too but i didnt think he would jump twice "
2 guys are in a bar at night, on the tv it says breaking news man on top of building threatening to jump, bob asks david if the man is gonna jump. bob says no, david says yes lets put 50 bucks on it. a couple of minutes later the man jumps, bob gives david the 50 bucks, feeling bad david said "i cant take this from you, this was on the 6 o clock news and i knew the guy was going to jump" bob replies with " yes i saw the 6 o clock news too but i didnt think he would jump twice "
FishChaser67
Well-Known Member
A cowboy rides up to a saloon get off his horse goes around back lifts the horses tail and plants his lips firmly right on there ,,Mmuah
and walks in the saloon,, the bartender says: ya know pal I have worked here for 25 years and never saw anything like that in my life what did you do that for ,,
the cowboy says: HAP LIPS the bartender says: HAP LIPS does that cure hap lips,, cowboy says: no but will stop you from liken them ,,,,,,
and walks in the saloon,, the bartender says: ya know pal I have worked here for 25 years and never saw anything like that in my life what did you do that for ,,
the cowboy says: HAP LIPS the bartender says: HAP LIPS does that cure hap lips,, cowboy says: no but will stop you from liken them ,,,,,,
Some may have read these before as I have posted them in the past, but for new-comers, some fishing funnies.
James and Marcus are fishing for some Chrome in an Eastern Trib beside a road. As they fish a funeral procession drives by. Marcus stops fishing, takes off his hat and holds it over his heart til the procession has passed.
"Wow, that was a nice gesture." said James.
"It was the least I could do," said Marcus, "I was married to her for 25 years."
I have a Newfie Brother so I can get away with telling Newfie jokes since I got them all from him.
A Newfie wanders out on the ice, he augers a hole and drops his line when he hears a voice. "Hain't no fish there," it says. He takes his gear and finds another spot. Augers a hole and again drops his line. He again hears the voice, "Hain't no fish there." Again and again he walks about and augers new holes but the voice keeps saying the same thing, "Hain't no fish there." Finally the pissed off Newfie yells back at the voice, "How do you know there are no fish here?" The voice comes back. "I've been fishing this rink for 12 years and nerry caught a thing."
Cheers, Alfie.
James and Marcus are fishing for some Chrome in an Eastern Trib beside a road. As they fish a funeral procession drives by. Marcus stops fishing, takes off his hat and holds it over his heart til the procession has passed.
"Wow, that was a nice gesture." said James.
"It was the least I could do," said Marcus, "I was married to her for 25 years."
I have a Newfie Brother so I can get away with telling Newfie jokes since I got them all from him.
A Newfie wanders out on the ice, he augers a hole and drops his line when he hears a voice. "Hain't no fish there," it says. He takes his gear and finds another spot. Augers a hole and again drops his line. He again hears the voice, "Hain't no fish there." Again and again he walks about and augers new holes but the voice keeps saying the same thing, "Hain't no fish there." Finally the pissed off Newfie yells back at the voice, "How do you know there are no fish here?" The voice comes back. "I've been fishing this rink for 12 years and nerry caught a thing."
Cheers, Alfie.
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